then i realise, i'm not black.

so, i forego that that thought, and stare in the opposite direction, pretending i did not hear those vile words. i can sense that even the girl seated infront of me felt uncomfortable with that statement. eventhough that statement was a general one and wasn't aimed at any one in particular - particularly not to me - i still felt as though a little bit of sensitivity should be exercised when in public.

another task on my 'to-do' list is to write many articles as possible. i don't think i could use my other two articles i wrote years ago. it's far too...dated. i think. as usual, nothing my my posts makes perfect sense since no particular reason was given to any remarks or any background information assigned to any particular scenarios described. that's the point. i like to unload my mental/emotional burden, but i simply cannot be too transparent. you can't have the cake and eat it too. you just can't.

it's funny how people think of me as inept and too fluid that i don't have a firm grasp on reality, and having any solid plan to direct my life to. the truth is, i hide many things from many people, and contrary to their beliefs, i have laid plans and backup plans on the directions i am heading towards in life, but i simply don't want to share it. when i do share it, i lied. this is further worsened when i'm struggling to fabricate a story as to why i would head that direction, since my feeble attempt at diverting attention makes me appear more incompetent and scatter-brained.

it's a vicious circle, people. that's my life in a nutshell. full of secrecies, hidden implications, whispered intentions and veiled truths.

since we're in the topic of psychological state, i find myself to be in a rather awkward position, exposing my neurosis and suspicions to the world earlier today. i doubt that it's something i would indulge in again. and i must confess how much i dislike being put in an awkward decision with very little room to wiggle through. i need to be precise and clear of my emotional standing, but i can't help but move away form conflict, which usually ends disastrously - me acting the martyr.

sometimes i need to understand that people might prey on others that prefers to avoid conflict, and i shouldn't show respect to people who disrespected me. i find myself tending to other people's emotional well-being while deserting my own. the next time that scarecrow tells me that i should stop observing and starts participating, i shouldn't keep quiet. nobody knows me and they never will. people should stop acting like they know what's best for others, based on their own experience.